Someone asked me the question the other day “Has anyone ever ruined your life?” My immediate response was “No” because life was pretty good and I was still kicking. Ever since then I haven’t been able to get the question out of my head. As I have pondered this I’ve come to the conclusion that PEOPLE don’t ruin our lives it’s the SITUATIONS that we allow ourselves to get into with people that are the deciding factor for us. But instead of blaming it on the situation that we walked into we place the blame on a person. Sometimes the blame turns into anger, hate, bitterness and if we aren’t careful we will harbor those feelings so long until they eventually ruin us. I’ve learned that the street runs both ways and that we have to take responsibility for our actions and the situations we allow ourselves to walk into.
I received the Holy Ghost when I was in high school and started going to church regularly. I grew up going to church so I had a good sense of right and wrong and I knew what God expected from me. There was a family at the church that I took an immediate liking to. They were the “cool family” who always had an open door and always had people in and out of their house. They had a daughter and a son my age that I became friends with. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for me to be at their house on weekends, after church, and during school breaks. So we all became really close.
As time went on we were all getting older and were always together and sometime in between all that the son and I decided we had feeling for each other. We began to talk and started getting close.
I remember a few of us all decided we were going to go stay with this family for Labor Day weekend. We cooked out, goofed off, and watched movies. One night during a movie this guy and I got too close and things went too far. This happened several times over the next couple of months. I had a little sense in me because I was able to take hold of the situation before something happened that I would ALWAYS regret. This began the lowest point of my life.
What have I done? What is wrong with me? I can’t believe I have done this. I am trash. Those were just a few of the things going through my head at the time. The worst thought that crossed my mind had to be that God was mad at me. Instead of running to God with this situation I began to push him away. I never wanted to place the situation in his hands because I felt like I failed him more than ever and he wouldn’t want to hear it. As I wrestled with all these emotions I continued to go to church and I was just completely numb to Gods presence.
Eventually, I felt like placing the blame on the other person would make me feel better and allow me to move on. I blamed him for what happened, the way I was feeling, and for God being so far away from me. I ultimately stopped seeing any of this family outside of church. The blame eventually led to hurt, anger, bitterness and hate. I had all these emotions built up and was at my lowest point ever and in my head it was this persons fault. The blame didn’t make me feel better it eventually led me to having the worst attitude ever. I became extremely hateful to everyone everywhere because I had no idea how to deal with my feelings. The attitude eventually led to my ministry come crashing down around me. That was the point I started to notice what was going on and I knew something had to change. All of this had gone on for about a year or a little more at this point.
Around this time things at church started to change. The ministry was changing and we were gaining new leadership. A year after things began to change at church this family moved on from our church. I was not happy to see this family to go and it still hurts me to this day, but the healing was finally able to begin for me. I didn’t have a huge revelation or a church service that changed my life it was all a slow process for me to realize that God wasn’t mad at me.
I soon gave the whole situation to God and began to realize that no matter how many times I fail God… He will NEVER leave nor forsake me His love never fails, it never gives up, and it never runs out on me. I began to truly fall in love with Jesus. I began to really comprehend the cross and the blood Jesus shed for me and the forgiveness that He gives me that I am so unworthy of. But yet He gives us forgiveness because His love is so unconditional and amazing. Over the following year I was able to let go of some things and God began to COMPLETELY change my attitude and for the first time in two or so years I was starting to be myself again.
I tried to make sense of the situation and wonder why I allowed myself to go through all this, but truth is I may never know. The only thing I can hold on to is that one day I will be a testimony to someone going through the exact same thing. I would tell whoever it may be to always guard your heart. Always be careful of who you surround yourself with because it’s so easy to be influenced and a lot of the time these people can be influencing us and we don’t even realize it. Always keep your eyes set on the things above because it can be dangerous when we don’t. The things our flesh desire are not worth losing ourselves or our salvation over.
~Redeemed, Female-Age 21
*Every Wednesday here at MattsLid I will post thoughts that I receive from different teenagers/twenty-somethings. A place where hearts are heard, stories are shared, and people are just being real with where they’re at! I receive these thoughts via e-mail (MattsLid@gmail.com). The following was an e-mail I received this past week. As it will be always the name of the individual will remain confidential. If you would like to Share YOUR Story please e-mail me or go here!*